How to Survive the Nature of Being Good-Natured

     One of my employees who is a very good-natured fellow got a call at work recently from his aunt asking him to come home and help her with something.  Now "Joe" would do anything to help anyone without question (especially friends and family).  He seemed somewhat stressed out about the call and when I asked if everything was alright he talked quite a bit about how his aunt could take care of it herself but never does, and how lonely she is, and how she needs to find more friends and call her other family , etc. .  In short, he made up every reason he could think of to excuse her for asking him (again) to do what she could do herself.  Subconsciously he did this so he would not feel badly for being exasperated about her call.  After all........he really loves to help others out!

     I know the feeling well.  I consider myself to be a fairly good-natured guy and I too thrive on the good feelings one gets from being helpful.  The problem is that some people tend to lean on others to the extent that they become dependent on it.  Good-natured folks can be so easily taken advantage of that it becomes easy for others to ask, and when one "thrives" on helping out, it is easy to say yes whenever asked.  This is not healthy for anyone.  It leads to unconscious resentment.    When the person doing their best to help out starts feeling resentful for being asked (so much!) they will often become angry at their friends, family and themselves!  Not fun or good-natured people to be around at this point.  Of course this is not what anyone intends.

     When I discovered this about myself I learned that I had to get past the irrational anger and self-loathing.  I first decided that it was okay to be a generally helpful person.  In fact; I wish more people were more helpful.  Next I decided that I wanted to live my life with people taking advantage of my good nature but not abusing it.  Simple! Right?  I have actually found it quite easy to tell people that "I want you to take advantage of my good nature but please don't abuse it".  I don't usually do this unless I start to feel a little abused.  At that point I can either speak up or allow the abuse.  This is very important:  If I allow someone to abuse my good nature I have made that choice myself and I cannot resent them for it!.  I can certainly be a bit angry with myself if I truly feel I have done too much, but then again; my choice.  I can really feel good about it if I choose.  Positive empowerment.

    stw

The secret of happiness?

Anyone who has gotten an email from me in the last year or so may have noticed the signature saying I use at the end of my messages: Be nice, work hard, never take more then you need, give freely, be thankful for what you are given, and have fun........

M&JW are my parents Marilyn and Jack Wheeler. These are things that I learned from them about how to live a good life and how I hope I live mine:

Both my parents stressed that we should always be nice to everyone and everything. Don't be mean or cruel ever. Treat others the way you like to be treated.......golden rule type thing.

I definitely got my work ethic from my folks. Mom was a professional. She graduated from a 4 year nursing program and was a Registered Nurse. She was also a full time housewife and mother. Dinner was always on the table at 5:30 on the dot. She washed and cleaned house daily. Dad has always defined himself (like most men) by his work and whatever he needed to do to provide for his family. And he did always manage to provide for us. If he wasn't working at the office he was working around the house. Dad has never been a "couch potato". No matter how difficult things were, we always had plenty to eat, good clothes on our back and a roof over our heads.

"Don't be greedy"; I heard growing up. Much of my pragmatism and thrifty nature come from my Scotch heritage but it also started at the dinner table: "don't let your eyes be bigger than your stomach" was the adage bestowed whenever we stopped by the Davis House Cafeteria. Although I never remember either of my parents say that waste is evil, I certainly got the idea from them.

Mom and Dad were both givers. Mom always gave hugs and after she retired she also gave sugar cookies (sometime I'll devote an entire blog to Mom's sugar cookies.....maybe a novel). Dad mostly has given his time and attention. Even today he still is very active in Church and his Homeowner's Association. Dad has always been a leader. Never dictatorial, but always in control of a group. In college I was taught a theory called "Situational Leadership" by a couple of higher education gurus named Hersey and Blanchard (basically some people are self starters and some people need to be kicked in the ass to varying degrees). To my surprise I already had learned "Situational Leadership" by observing my father as a leader. He called it "common sense". Boy Scouts, church, neighborhood, and (after retirement) Northside Hospital........Dad has always been willing to jump in. My older brother was always bothered that Dad "didn't do Little League with us" (never really an athlete, my dad) but he really did in his own way. He never coached (a smart move I think, having tried it myself) but I believe he knew his own limitations, and he always supported our desires to participate in sports. Practices and games; Dad and/or Mom were always there. To give without expectation of getting anything in return,,,,,,,,my parents by example (and another great subject for another day).

"Never take anything for granted". This was a theme always present. Thank God, your teachers, your parents, your relatives, your friends, and yes,,,,,,,,,even your older brother for all they do for you and give to you. Somewhere along the way I learned that we are all born naked. All we have is given unto us. We may earn a great deal of what we get but someone else always decides the pay rate. We may have allot but everything really belongs to God.

My folks always made lemonade when life gave us lemons. Mom taught me to sing with a joyful heart even though I've never learned to hold a tune. She whistled constantly. And everything was done with a smile. I used to hate any kind of yard work growing up; and Saturdays consisted of yard work. Mom, Dad and all three of us boys cutting grass, raking leaves, planting azaleas (Dad tried so hard to have a great lawn) etc.. I now understand how and why it was fun for them. For no other explainable reason I enjoy hard work.....especially around my yard and house. I was taught it was fun.....and it really is.

Many of the best things I learned from my parents were taught by example. Neither philosophized but they had great philosophies. Wonderful people my parents. I am truly one of the lucky ones.

stw